Tommy Cooper jokes

[Voice at the back]

Word of warning you will laugh out loud.....



Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!


1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat ba*tard!'

20.. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks..
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed
into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night!

[mfcbro]

Well done,a was privilged to see tommy cooper live on stage.A very funny man.

[Vinny]

You were right!

... and as they've been lost on the old board ...

Peter Kay - Tommy Cooper one-liners:

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he?"

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met a bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny - you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type."

I went back the next day and said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

"They're on about trips to the moon now. I don't fancy it, you know, coz there's nowt there.
"I mean Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he's been there - but he's not been back has he? So it can't be that good."

Thanks to Mr Cooper

[Freez]

Bit of a hotch potch where they were all from, not all Tommy Cooper, some Steven Wright, some Karl Pilkington etc, but all funny!

[Keith]

My two favorite TC lines...

I cut the bottoms off my trousers and sent them to the library, I thought 'that's a turn up for the books'

Why is it if you start screaming in a library you get thrown out but if you do it on an airplane everyone joins in?

Come on let's have some more, from memory not cut & paste!

[CASS]

My old fella was Italian and he did not like Telly,don't think he knew what was going on to be honest. The only things he did watch was T.C and he loved him..BOTTLE.GLASS,GLASS.BOTTLE
Brilliant. Oh he also loved Ken Walton and the Grapplers or was it Kent

[USA Shrimp]

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize ?



Because he was outstanding in his field <badum-tish>